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Sunday, June 25, 2017

"WINDOW OF PERCEPTION"

Developing as a person is amazing, challenging and at times, oh so painful. It's certainly a life-long treasure. It's a lot of realizations that arrive one by one. 

Just when I feel I've made a connection, my own higher awareness, during meditation, comes in and shows me a new perception of the same situation, and the layers peel in a different direction. It's like a mirror comes up each time, and I'm realizing if we follow the inner road, all signs point to us, our reactions and defenses, and what we create based on the tools we have in that moment. 

Recognizing our own walls, how we created them, and smashing them down creates new tools to advance further as people, as a personality, as a soul, tools that build roads instead of walls within us. 

Perception. 

We make things about us because of hidden pain, and our reactions are literally a key to the healing needed within us. It's not about outside us and other people; it's about what's within us. We are everything we've accused other people of being and that's why love is the root that feeds the flower. 

Adversity is the gift to unfold the petals of our soul. It's through adversity that we learn discernment, responsibility and reverence in our own imperfection through our unhealed pain. 

It's all beautiful. ❤️ There is beauty to be found in our own self-created chaos and imperfection.

Friday, June 16, 2017

“NO ITSY BITSY LOVE”

Eying a sticky insect trap leaning against the backdoor, I nervously crouched to investigate. Inside the bug catcher, I saw a victim trapped in deadly glue.

A long-legged insect unsuccessfully tried to escape the sticky jail and ripped its legs off in the attempt. I stared at the chaos and felt the struggle it must have had. Then I put the box down and cried.

Most would be happy to kill an insect. Not me.

I sat and bawled my eyes out over a bug struggling to survive and losing its legs. In these situations, I feel like the weirdest person on the planet. I mean, seriously, it’s an insect. Logically, I comprehend how ridiculous I’m acting, but, emotionally, I actually give a fig.

What I’ve learned to accept in my personality is a deep emotional capacity to feel empathy.  Over the years I hated this personal quality.  I saw myself as inferior and an oddball. But no matter how hard I’ve tried to squash this aspect of my personality, this sensitive piece of me is getting stronger.  I didn’t think it was possible for my empathy to become deeper, and it’s surprising even to me.

If I can have empathy for the plight of a bug, imagine the chaos in my emotions at times for mankind. Imagine the chaos inside me when I make a mistake and feel regretful.

There are people who have been cruel and I cry, not because of what they did, but because I can see into them and know they are so much more than they realize; I appreciate the life force that they are. I know this is odd to many, but it’s how I’m wired; it’s how I experience the world.

My emotions over the years were a battlefield within me and have left me at times traumatized and confused. But feeling deeply has great perks. When the wind blows a certain way, its movement through the leaves of a tree is music to my ears. Colors of a sunset bring me so close to God that tears fall and warmth fills my heart space. The smell of a loved one fills me up with joy and everything feels perfect when the light gathers in their eyes.

Being vulnerable and expressing emotions can be viewed as a weakness in character, but I see a broad range of feeling as my greatest strength. It’s something I’ve had to learn to harness and some days it’s easier than others. I’m not going to pretend I have it all figured out because I certainly do not.

There are days I sit down and allow myself to cry because life sometimes hurts. Even the beautiful moments take me by surprise, steal my breath, and silent tears fall. I’m incredibly strong and fiery, but when one gets to know me, they find an unusually sensitive heart.  


I have learned my deep feelings are my greatest spiritual gift. My capacity to love and feel so deeply is who I am. Is it an easily managed trait? Heck, no. It’s a thorn in my side half the time, but it’s also a compass to the greatest beauty I’ve ever experienced.


We’re all at times a little neurotic and weird, and we all have parts of ourselves that need balancing. Everyone is beautifully growing at their own pace. Exploring and embracing the more difficult parts of our personalities is a step in the direction of self-love and enlightenment.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

"INTO THE INTEGRATION"

It’s been a wonderful year of learning and change. I’ve integrated the lesson of personal responsibility. Viewing the patterns of my life and owning how unhealthy choices created grief has been enlightening to say the least.

Taking responsibility is the ultimate freedom. It lets one relax from a victim movie continuously being played out on the screen of our mind. I have realized integrating life lessons takes time before settling within us. A new way of thinking and responding doesn’t happen overnight. 

During the integration process I questioned where one draws the line of responsibility. This is where righteous anger stepped in and briefly cloaked me in loathing. I feel the full range of emotions and do not judge them. We all have shades to our being and those shades are attached to the window of our psyche. If we find the courage to pull that shady curtain aside, there is much to be explored within us.

It is my opinion that putting a painful situation behind us without full integration results in a murky mind; it confuses our emotions. It’s better to fully experience an offense, take responsibility where due, and then let it go.

I now own that I am responsible for placing myself in unhealthy situations during my life. But does this make me responsible for another’s hurtful actions? That was the question burning on my heart and racing through my mind. 

People show us who they are and if we pay attention, we can avoid a lot of the painful side streets we find ourselves traveling. Listening to that inner hunch, that gut feeling, is a compass to joy. Hunches are our inner guidance system navigating us away from unhealthy situations that will cause emotional hurdles to jump over internally. 

I believe a lot of our problems are rooted in old patterns we find ourselves reliving. Recognizing the patterns in our life is a key to unlocking a new direction; it’s a map to a new adventure our soul wants to explore.

I made a huge mistake last year and the result was massive emotional suffering. I had been carrying ugly memories in my back pocket for months, and the heaviness finally became too much to bear. That sent me on an inner quest to find resolution regarding the lingering pain and taught me a great lesson on personal responsibility.

In the end I realized my hope outweighed my logic. This is common in life and a beautiful opportunity was presented to teach me a life lesson. I learned a whole lot about myself during that situation, and that is a treasure chest in itself. So was my "mistake" truly a mistake? When the gain outweighs a perceived loss there is no mistake in my opinion.

I have realized focusing on another’s actions is pointless, as we have no control over that person. We can only control our response, and the quality of our thoughts determines the happiness of our lives. Giving oneself closure instead of waiting for someone else to drop it at our feet brightens the road ahead.

And this is where the integration of personal responsibility stepped into my life. Through this principle, I found resolution in my heart over lost friendships, abuse, heartbreak, etc. The unhealthy signs were laid out like a map. My intuition was spelling destruction out very clearly; I just didn’t read what was in front of me. But to be sure, I’m thankful those situations are behind me; I’m thankful for the lessons and the self-empowerment that now serves me, and my eyes are wide open moving forward.

Don’t carry bitterness around in a back pocket. Letting go is actually easier than it appears. Emotions take a little time to sort out but folding into our imperfections, finding the responsibility, finding the gem in the lesson, and letting go are just a step in the direction of courage and peace of mind. Everything is a gift waiting to be unfolded.