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Friday, June 16, 2017

“NO ITSY BITSY LOVE”

Eying a sticky insect trap leaning against the backdoor, I nervously crouched to investigate. Inside the bug catcher, I saw a victim trapped in deadly glue.

A long-legged insect unsuccessfully tried to escape the sticky jail and ripped its legs off in the attempt. I stared at the chaos and felt the struggle it must have had. Then I put the box down and cried.

Most would be happy to kill an insect. Not me.

I sat and bawled my eyes out over a bug struggling to survive and losing its legs. In these situations, I feel like the weirdest person on the planet. I mean, seriously, it’s an insect. Logically, I comprehend how ridiculous I’m acting, but, emotionally, I actually give a fig.

What I’ve learned to accept in my personality is a deep emotional capacity to feel empathy.  Over the years I hated this personal quality.  I saw myself as inferior and an oddball. But no matter how hard I’ve tried to squash this aspect of my personality, this sensitive piece of me is getting stronger.  I didn’t think it was possible for my empathy to become deeper, and it’s surprising even to me.

If I can have empathy for the plight of a bug, imagine the chaos in my emotions at times for mankind. Imagine the chaos inside me when I make a mistake and feel regretful.

There are people who have been cruel and I cry, not because of what they did, but because I can see into them and know they are so much more than they realize; I appreciate the life force that they are. I know this is odd to many, but it’s how I’m wired; it’s how I experience the world.

My emotions over the years were a battlefield within me and have left me at times traumatized and confused. But feeling deeply has great perks. When the wind blows a certain way, its movement through the leaves of a tree is music to my ears. Colors of a sunset bring me so close to God that tears fall and warmth fills my heart space. The smell of a loved one fills me up with joy and everything feels perfect when the light gathers in their eyes.

Being vulnerable and expressing emotions can be viewed as a weakness in character, but I see a broad range of feeling as my greatest strength. It’s something I’ve had to learn to harness and some days it’s easier than others. I’m not going to pretend I have it all figured out because I certainly do not.

There are days I sit down and allow myself to cry because life sometimes hurts. Even the beautiful moments take me by surprise, steal my breath, and silent tears fall. I’m incredibly strong and fiery, but when one gets to know me, they find an unusually sensitive heart.  


I have learned my deep feelings are my greatest spiritual gift. My capacity to love and feel so deeply is who I am. Is it an easily managed trait? Heck, no. It’s a thorn in my side half the time, but it’s also a compass to the greatest beauty I’ve ever experienced.


We’re all at times a little neurotic and weird, and we all have parts of ourselves that need balancing. Everyone is beautifully growing at their own pace. Exploring and embracing the more difficult parts of our personalities is a step in the direction of self-love and enlightenment.

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